His parents cannot imagine ever being estranged from their child. They would never forgive their children for severing ties with them
If you are estranged from your family, whether due to emotional abuse, infidelity, stealing, or other types of betrayal, you may have accepted a long time ago that you are not going to have one of those tight-knit families who have each other’s back.
You are okay with that and you have made a new family through friends. You take care of yourself. You have had your self-healing journey and have let go of the idea of having a close family. But all that can be disrupted when you meet your future spouse. He wants to know your family, but you know they would ruin everything.
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Having to explain to a prospective spouse and his family that you have a turbulent relationship with your family can be difficult. You have accepted it but they may not. They need a lot of time to catch up with your reality.
Here are some ways having an estranged family affects your marriage.
Your husband is your new family
Your husband is your new family. Hopefully, everyone feels their romantic partner is family in a way but for you, he’s your only family. That is a special bond but it can also put a lot of pressure on him.
His parents can judge you
His parents cannot imagine ever being estranged from their child. They would never forgive their children for severing ties with them, or purposefully having a limited relationship.
If they can’t imagine forgiving their child for that, it’s hard for them not to judge you for being estranged from your family.
Your partner doesn’t know where he stands
It can be difficult for your partner to know where he stands with your family. Should he attempt to get to know them? If and when you do see them, how close should he be getting? What are the rules for him?
His parents ask you to fix things
His parents ask you, time and time again, if you could try to fix things with your family. They don’t understand how much you have already tried. They don’t understand that it’s healthiest for you to keep a distance.
You get unsolicited pity
You get a lot of pity that you don’t want. You stopped pitying yourself a long time ago. Sometimes, it feels like you need to comfort everyone else about your situation.
Your partner wants all grandparents involved
It’s only natural that your partner mourns the loss of having all grandparents involved in his children’s lives. Even if you don’t have children yet, one day, if you do, your partner will probably start asking if your parents can be more involved in their lives.
That’s one less line of financial help
You can’t go to your family for money because they are the last people you want to be indebted to. That relationship is just toxic. Sometimes, that’s frustrating to your partner’s family since, any time you two need a loan, it falls on them.
Your partner must keep secrets
Your partner has a long list of information about your life that he’s never allowed to share with your family. There are parts of your life that are sacred to you, that you don’t want them touching. But your partner has to remember to conceal this information.
He can fear you have the flight gene
Sometimes, your husband can’t help but wonder if you have a tendency to run away. In a way, you did run away from your family. You have to assure him that you didn’t do so out of weakness; it was actually a tough but correct decision for your wellbeing.
Distant in-laws have questions
Your partner’s close family knows the deal with your family, but his distant family doesn’t. So when you meet new, distant in-laws, you wind up having to re-answer questions like, “So, where is your family?” and “Your family couldn’t make it?”
Your partner conceals info from his parents
You also have to ask your husband not to tell his family some things about your family. Certain details are so upsetting he would just leave them wondering, “Do we want this person raising our grandchildren?”
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