In October 23, 2005, Lisa, a sleeping community in Ogun State, slept through a plane crash. It woke the next day to confront 117 ghosts running naked around the village. Then, someone came up with a bright idea. A very unique one that no government had thought of, so far. Fighting ghosts! And with just N2million, too. But they were ignored. Now, we are paying for it. Those ghosts have grown and multiplied. They are now everywhere!
Ghosts are unseen, intangible entities. Well, I don’t know if they occupy space, except in Nigerian home-movies. That’s only where you see ghosts “sitting” on a chair; in the car, etc, without falling out. They even eat and drink but can’t walk through a wall. Nigerian ghosts are both material and immaterial! But then, ghosts certainly, occupy some minds. We used to hear of ghosts in the civil service. They collected salaries but were never seen at work. Then, one boastful fellow claimed he eliminated all the ghost-workers and saved us millions of headaches. But another ghost probably “died” the money – in his pocket. Now, it’s official! No ghost should be scared anymore. Buhari’s government is so liberal that it respects the human rights of ghosts. That’s why ghosts have been officially engaged in all the arms of government, since 2015!
Yes, it’s authoritative. There are ghosts in Aso Rock. If you doubt me, ask Reuben Abati. Or Mrs Aisha Buhari! You see, it is sad enough that upon all his bookishness, Abati couldn’t count the ghosts. But thanks God, our First Lady did. She told the world, not long ago, that two ghosts are the ones tormenting, sorry, controlling the “destiny” of Nigeria. Just two o! According to her, they go by a funny name: Cabal!
Some cried blue murder. But many bought the story. No wonder, Buhari is a “ghost” of himself, they shouted. And the idiots claim it means the unseen cabal-ghosts are the ones tele-guiding Baba. The cabal “push” him like a wheelbarrow to podiums to give flags to “presidential candidate(?), senatorial and ‘governortorial’” candidates. His messages at rallies sound prerecorded – short, repetitive and lifeless! Same everywhere!
Contractors, sorry, detractors, swear there are ghosts in the EXECUTIVE. Which is why and how items get smuggled into the budget. And some “recovered” loots get relooted. Some corrupt persons in government go scot-free. Their sins become “ghosts” and are never “seen” once they join APC – according to Osho-baba!. Much-publicized “actualized” promises are never visible because, of course, they were done by ghosts. Then, to achieve more, ghost-like, new ghosts are appointed into the government. Yet, some ungrateful Nigerians still won’t appreciate Buhari for being “accommodating” even to ghosts. But as a “nationalist”, I gladly announce that recently, some lucky ghosts were appointed into federal boards. Check out Senator Francis Okpozo; Rev Fr Christopher Utov; DIG Donald Ugbaja(retd); Garba Attahiru; Umar Dange; Magdalene Kumu; Dr Nabbs Imegwu; Comrade Ahmed Bunza. However, Justice Innocent Umezulike, former chief judge of Enugu state who was buried in July, 2018 wasn’t so lucky. Instead, he was banned from travelling out of the country!
In the LEGISLATURE, there are ghosts, too. That’s why some of the lawmakers are unseen at plenaries. They become invisible, in a true nature of ghosts, everywhere. Ghosts in the legislature sponsor no bill. They don’t have to. Afterall, they belong to another realm. Instead, they “die” constituency money. But when election time comes, they produce ghost-lists of projects done and people they helped. Of course, naturally, their works are never seen or felt!
Oh, calm down, the JUDICIARY is not left out. How else can a government show respect and to an arm than appointing some ghosts into election petition tribunals? Ask the late Justices Steve Evo Chukwu; Edemekong Edemekong; Stephen Okon and Okoyo Essang, among others. The ghosts in the judiciary are responsible for skewed judgments. Injustices! They are the conduits for corrupt judges. They help swell accounts of some judges overnight. When we don’t see money exchange hands between politicians and judges, it’s the work of the ghosts.
There are ghosts everywhere, jare! Even in churches. That’s why pastors are increasing by the day. Young, illerate and jobless men/women now claim to have “callings” when they don’t even have phones. They claim powers they don’t have and open business kiosks everywhere in the name of religious centres. All claim to be fighting the unseen, which is another name for ghosts. They quote the scriptures upside-down. To fool many, they fake miracles and scare the neigbourhood with noise they can’t defend. They spend time shouting into microphones as if God is deaf – casting, binding and even loosing – all at the same time. Yet, they won’t even remember that not all ghosts are supposed to be evil.
In schools, there are ghosts. Absentee students and teachers are ghosts. Administratively, ghosts would “die” the money meant for infrastructural and research developments. Academically, ghost-lecturers would “score” scripts they hardly evaluate; demand sex or “cash” and wait for another ghost season! And ghosts students either “pay” or cheat and threaten to pass. Eventually, the society is inundated with unfit fellows, who cant even spell their names. The labour markets get saturated with “ghost” labours. If they are lucky to gain employments, they automatically become ghost-workers!
So all these noise following the swearing-in of ghost judges into tribunals is not necessary. Why? Ours is a nation of ghosts! We hear of road contracts/constructions during campaign as if they were done in ghostland. We hear of heavy amounts of money on radio and TV and we wonder if we are still alive. We never get to see the money or what it is used for. They only tell us that the money had been used. Take the “ghost” Abacha loot for instance. After so much noise and unanswered question, we now hear, few days to election, that the billions have been spent on buying votes, sorry, Trader Moni! Some, we’re told, were used to feed the poor.
Appointing ghosts into election tribunals is okay. Depends on what we expect from them. Like grandma would say, a fine home is known from the type of lock it has. Hence, it follows that the natural expectation from a “ghost” panel is a “ghost” judgment! And what such blunder points to is the failure of our system. Point is, we still don’t have a credible data of living or dead members of the judiciary. In fact, we don’t have a comprehensive and reliable record of anything in this country – including our finances. I won’t be surprised, if we wake tomorrow to be told that the president of Nigeria, in 2019, is/was “ghost” Alhaji Tafawa Balewa!